Exhausted, and look it

The baby was crying for most of the day which made me glad that we have no neighbours but also got me feeling mentally exhausted. I am beginning to question my mothering abilities.

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​Milestone: Sucking hands

Friday 26th October

The baby fell asleep at 10.00 pm last night and woke up at 8.00 am this morning. He had a nappy change, a big big feed and then fell asleep again until 10.00 am. The health visitor said that it is not OK for babies to sleep a lot as they need constant sustenance, but Ron looked alerts, happy and well once he was awake, so I am hoping this night was just a one-off. . . It was a stormy rainy day anyway, a perfect morning for a bit of a lie in!

Since it is now nice and warm in the living room, we decided to remove Ron's hat. He was becoming really attached to his hats, crying whenever they popped off his head (which happened a lot, as he was already wearing the 0-3 month hats!). He has a full head of lovely hair and it was lovely to see him like that, uncovered. . . Ron's face has changed a lot! He doesn't look like a baby anymore, but looks more like a tiny tiny grown up human. It is probably because his arms are more unravelled now, reaching about an inch past his head! I can really see what he will look like when he is older. . . 
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​Milestone: Sucking hands

I noticed a new kind of behaviour from Ron today, and that is him sucking his hand or wrist (whatever gets into his mouth first) when he gets hungry. He has never done this before so I take it as a sign of growth - he has found his hands! It looks super adorable and I am sure offers Ron a great deal of comfort, but it signifies hunger so I try to exchange a hand for a breast as soon as possible. . .  I also make sure to wash his hands a lot more frequently throughout the day!
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In the afternoon Ron was rather unsettled, crying a lot. . . He wanted to be with the "Milky one" and not the "Beardy one" even when he wasn't hungry. He wanted his mummy, which made me feel very loved, but very cumbersome too - the baby was crying a lot! Suddenly I was really happy that we had no neighbours (well, the nearest one is a cattle farmer who lives half a mile away!). At least I wasn't stressed about wrecking someone else's evenings!

A couple of hours into the evening of constant fussing and crying I told James that I was tired and he simply said "you look it". . . and then added that this was all this crying and fussing was Ron's way of preparing me for when he is a toddler and capable of a lot more trouble! I need to learn to stay calm, patient, loving - I need to learn to be a mum! This is a hard game to play!
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Being a mum is very hard, but also very rewarding! Once I was tucked in bed I realised how much I need my little Ronnie to be close to me. I decided to have an early night and Ron fed whilst laying next to me. He then needed winding and when I tried to do it laying down I accidentally placed my finger into his mouth. It was a very bizarre sensation, feeling his little gummy mouth like that! I really don't know what I'm doing with him. . . 

"Bouncy with daddy" is still the best way to burp the baby so James took him into the living room and held him up whilst working on a video. At first I thought "Great! I can have a little sleep" but I soon realised that I was laying there, wide awake, waiting for the baby to be returned. . .  So much so, that after a couple of minutes I shouted out asking for James to bring him back to me! I could not relax yet alone sleep without him close. . .

I was laying there, cwtching my baby, feeling happy, safe and loved but I didn't sleep. I was evaluating my actions, judging myself as a mother. Was the baby crying because he was unhappy with me? Was I doing something wrong? And this need I feel for keeping him close - am I too attached and too clingy? I really need my baby to be close to me and, for now, he needs me too but what will I do when he no longer needs me quite this much. I was thinking of how touch the world out there can be and wondering how best to show Ron that he will always find safety, love, appreciation and friendship with me, without becoming an overbearing mum and smothering him. I grew up without a mother - do I really know how to be one? Ron deserves the best, can I be the best? Such thoughts were running through my head a million miles per hour making me feel somewhat perturbed and anxious.

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